Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The Great Divide

Now, to normal people the great divide refers to a set of mountain ranges that divide our beautiful country's watersheds.  But to us, it defines life with a sick toddler.  What do you do with newborn twins when the older kids are sick?  Why you seperate them of course.  So simple.  Such a logical solution.  Not as easy peasy as you hope.  On the weekends we tag teamed it.  Jason took the twins, me the toddlers.  Seperate rooms with a gate in the middle.  Kinleigh is quick, and will sneak in a slobber as soon as your back is turned.  So the gate was essential to our mission!  It worked, so far, until today.  It was the moment of reckoning when my better half returned to work.  Separating four kids with two arms is quite the endeavor and they challenged my very core.  I should have started the day with a power smoothie and prayer.  But I opted for coffee.   Rookie mistake number one!  I did dishes, cleaned the kitchen.  I opted for a pajama day to get some housework completed...rookie mistake number two.  The morning was a whirlwind, and before I knew it, it was 11.   It was the first spare moment I had to catch up with Kinleigh, my lead troublemaker.  She still had on a pull-up and that meant no using the potty all morning.  And you can guess what I found.  
Kinleigh has been in rebellion the past couple of weeks.  She's on strike.  And it isn't a sit-in, it's an I won't sit type of situation.  She is refusing to use the potty.  She leaves us sweet little surprises all the time.  And it always seems to be when I'm tied to the couch breastfeeding the boys.  Caleb was telling me about it, but I think he's given up hope she'll ever use it again.  My precious four year old doesn't tell me much anymore.  So after lunch she runs to go to the potty and doesn't make it.  Doesn't make it...kind of sounds like there is a will to make it doesn't it?  This girl is a fierce fighter, she's still on strike.  I find her cleaning up in the bathroom at the exact time the twins are due for their next meal.  It's everywhere.  It's even on her nose.  So as the twins scream in hunger I'm giving my precious baby girl a bath.  Caleb is quiet.  As she soaks, I check on him...in fear that something else will be wrong.  Instead I find that he's tucked himself into bed, and even turned his music on.  "Mommy, are you proud of me?  Am I making you happy?"  As I cried because of his sweetness and graciousness, it gave me strength.  
I know these moments are fleeting.  I know that one day I will look back on them and we will see them as some of the best days of our lives.  We'll laugh at the obscene amount of poop we had to clean up.  We'll remember the Great Divide as an impossible mission, but we will have made it through...together.  

Saturday, December 20, 2014

It's just a phase

As I sit here and stare at the blue glow of the phototherapy beds, I can see both boys facing me.  I sit here as they sleep, not all the time, but when it seems unbearable to them.  As I look at their sweet helpless faces, I'm trying to remind myself how temporary this is.  I don't like it, to put it nicely.  I want to hold my sweet babies whenever I want to...not just when I'm nursing.  I'm being a total brat about it, and I shouldn't be.  And on top of it, my mind wanders to everything and anything else that could go wrong.  

 I've feared allot over the past two years of my life.  I've been scared we wouldn't have any more children.  I've been devastated when we lost a baby to miscarriage.  And even in the pure joy of discovering that we were pregnant with twins, I feared that my body just would not sustain them.  That I would lose one of them or both of them, or that they would be born too early.  Yet, 40 weeks later here I sit,  staring at these beautiful boys, and I'm still fearful.  Hasn't God showed me how faithful he is?  Hasn't he showed me over and over again how much he loves me?  Yet I worry.  I worry about the temporary. Some things I want to hold on to for as long as I can. 

  I don't think I truly understood Gods love for me until I had children.  It's pure, it's deep, and it's immediate.  It isn't a result of any action.  It's an overpowering feeling that just is because those children are yours.  God loves me more than I could fathom, much more than I love my children.  So why doubt?  Why fear?  I've learned through everything that it's best to give everything over to God.  He is good.  He is in control.  He loves his children.  And if all that I know and feel is true I have no reasons to worry or fear.  Instead I can stand boldly in faith with my Savior and Father in Heaven.  

Tomorrow we will take another blood test and we'll learn if this phase will come to an end.  

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

My Angel

When I close my eyes I can picture her.  I don't know why I think of the baby as a her, but I just do.  She has long black hair. And it's blowing silently in the wind.  Half of it is pulled back with a simple band.  The sun is shining, the grass is ever so green.  She's running her hand through the brightest most Yellow Sea of daffodils.  I see her from behind and she has the most beautiful cotton dress on.  She's skipping and laughing.  I can hear her sweet musical voice, filled with so much joy.  It makes my heart just ache to see her.  But I love to see her.  Next to her there is a man, and she's holding his hand.  He is wearing a creme linen robe and pants with a golden rope around his waist.  He has sandled feet, that are so quiet.  I can only hear her sweet laughter.  His hair is brown and long, and flows right below his shoulders.  My sweet angel looks up at him, I can't see her face but I can hear her sweet giggle.  He's walking with her, watching her, laughing with her, holding her hand in hand.  As they walk away he looks over his shoulder at me.  I see his smile and I can feel a warmth in my heart.  His eyes look at me as if he understands that I miss her, yet I know she is where she should be.  The light around them slowly engulf them as they walk, and my sweet angel disappears.  

I needed to write this down somewhere so that I would always remember it.  Although I don't think it will ever leave my memory, just in case, I don't want to lose that image of my daughter.  I think about it when I miss her.  I think about it before I sleep.  I especially think about it when I'm in my Fathers house, and I'm singing about his love for all of us.  She is dancing in heaven with our Saviour.  He is taking such good care of her.  She doesn't feel pain or sickness.  She doesn't feel heartache.  I do, I'm glad she doesn't.  I will meet her one day.  I will hold her in my arms and kiss her beautiful sweet face.  I will laugh with her and run through that same sea of daffodils.  And my Father will be there to bring us together.  I will hug him and kiss his sweet face.  I will thank Him.  I will thank Him for my life and for saving her.

Friday, May 24, 2013

These Precious Moments

Being a mom, I become easily immersed in my role as a mother.  It defines who I am now to my inner core.  I cannot imagine life without my children and when I think back about life before them...I don't understand how we didn't have them.  My children are so precious to me.  During daily life and its struggles sometimes its easy to forget how blessed I am to just have them.  Life is busy.  Being a mom is busy.  I'm taking the kids to school, to the library, to the park, to play dates.  I'm planning meals, grocery shopping, cleaning, couponing, yard work, and even homeschooling.  My mind is busy.  I question everything, whether I got angry to quickly, if I should've put a hat on them,  whether they should really have that Publix Cookie.  And then in a sudden moment, I see Caleb struggling to make friends at a play date and I see something in him that I sometimes forget.  I see his humanity.  I see him hurt and scared and sweet.  I see his heart at its very core and it makes my heart swell.  There are times, like these, that seem so small and I'm sure I won't remember.  But I hope I do.  Because I love these moments.  Caleb is an unbelievable child that is only so great because God created him.  God gave me an amazing little boy.  He's so amazing that I get used to it, that I forget how amazing he really is.  I'm so proud of him, so very proud.  I love him more than I ever thought I could, I love both my children so much that I don't know how I could love them more.  Yet each day, I do.  I'm so blessed to be their mom.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Santa Claus...

Yesterday the entire family went to Bridge Street to buy an iPad and finish up some Christmas shopping. Kinleigh had been to the doctor that morning and was diagnosed with a double ear infection. That girl is a trooper! She had been sick for over a week yet...no fever...no pulling on her ear... And here she is with an infection.
The entire family is so excited for Santa to visit us this year. I think it's the first year that Caleb totally gets who he is and what Santa does! Much to our surprise Santa was walking around bridge street and stopping periodically to speak to kids and pose for pictures. He was dressed just like Father Christmas and even I was speechless when I saw him. We ran out of a store to see him and get a chance to speak with him. Caleb was pushing me to go first and making some very excited noises....but when we finally get to him, Caleb totally lost his nerve. Daddy picked him up and he just stared at him, not wanting to get any closer. Kinleigh just took off and made a beeline straight for Mr Claus. He was sitting on a bench, talking to another child, and I had to pull her away from him. Finally after waiting, it was our turn to see him and she was so excited. I placed her on his lap and all of a sudden, her little mouth turned into a frown and she started to cry! Santa told her that he would bring her a dolly and that he was so happy to see her! As we walked away, her eyes never left him and she stared at him until I let her walk. Caleb kept saying that he saw Santa. We shopped some more. As fate would have it, as we were leaving, Santa somehow ended up walking right beside us. I guess he never forget Caleb, and knew that they needed to talk. Caleb was on his daddy's shoulders and looked down at Mr Claus. "Well hello there little guy, what would you like for Christmas?" With a big frown and the bravest face I have ever seen, Caleb looked him in the eye and said "Santa, I want a police car please." "Well, I'll get you a police car and a couple of other surprises, but you have to make sure to be a good boy ok?" Still trying so hard to hold back the tears Caleb replied "ok"! I've never been so proud of him in my life. And afterwards, he just couldn't have been more excited. The Christmas spirit has definitely hit the lucas house those season. Believe. Wonder. Faith. All envelope this season and make it so incredibly beautiful. Too see everything in your children's eyes, well, it's like being a child yourself. You just seem together swept up in the magic and wonder of the jolly old elf himself! Caleb keeps asking me what I want for Christmas, I tell him I want a kiss from his daddy. As serious as he can, with his eyes as wide as can be, "mama, you have to tell Santa. You have to tell him." I love that little boy so much and am so proud of the man he is going to become.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

The heavy heart

I'm sitting in a small Italian cafe, millions of miles away from my children. I just got pictures of them sent to me, and the smiles on their faces fill my heart with an unexplainable joy. I came on this trip to spend some time with Jason, to have some fun with my husband. One thing has become blaringly clear to me. My life is so different than it was three years ago. I never imagined how much being a mom would affect my life, my personality, and my soul. It's changed me. I feel like I've always been a dreamer of sorts, I've run for political office, loved poetry, and have always enjoyed losing myself in a good book. Somewhere along the way, I made a totally unconscious decision to try not to care so much about everything. I feel so much love for my children that the thought of our world changing in a bad way, leaves me just gutted and empty and aching. I stopped listening to the news, stopped talking politics, and I even almost stopped voting. It had become easier to just block those things out of my life, than to face them and open my heart to so much hurt. I've always cared so much about everything. Two days ago the Republican Party failed at a second attempt to win the White House. In my heart I predicted that this would happen. I should feel consoled and at ease that this is part of Gods plan, because I know he is in control of everything. But that is easier said than done, because these changes are drastic and what I feel to be devastating for our country. I realized this trip, that by trying to protect myself I've actually done the opposite. I've taken away my passion for my values and I have somewhere lost even the ability to have an adult conversation about anything that truly matters.
Life is so hard, and I don't even have it hard...I'm so very blessed in every aspect of my life. Love and happiness also can bring pain, and maybe I just need to stop trying to protect everyone from hurt. Maybe I just need to let go and love...and not think about mistakes.
To top it all off, I feel this stirring inside me. Like I am on the brink of making life changing choices, and I am so afraid that I might regret my choice or make the wrong one. I pray for guidance, but sometimes I don't want to pray for fear that his answer is not the one I want to hear. My life is so wonderful. I love the children at this age. I look back on these last three years and know I will remember them as some of the best years of my life. I don't want them to end. My heart feels so heavy just thinking about the kids growing up. Why? Deep down I don't want to lose them. I don't want them to leave me, I don't want them to grow away from me. I can still feel them kicking me in my belly, I can still see their very first smile, their very first steps, and I love them so much. I never knew being a mom and loving someone so much could be so very hard. And they aren't even three yet...

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Orange beach

Wonderful fantastic amazing daddy surprised us with a last minute trip to orange beach. We got one days notice to pack up for four days, just the four of us. At publix Caleb told the entire store that we were going to the beach, let the jealousy eat them up! Last time we were here, Caleb was scared of the ocean, didn't like the sand...this time he can't get enough of it. Doesn't sleep because he wants to get back on the beach. Kinleigh is enjoying herself too, prancing around in Her swimsuit and making friends with the world. Speaking of friends, someone else is making tons of them...daddy! I've decided that there is a brotherhood in being a father. Moms love the vacation, we truly love the happiness it brings everyone. But let's face it, it's not a total space out relaxing time. Our duties are much the same but with some slightly stressful additions. All sleeping in one room, schedule adjustments, and just getting everyone to behave in public...those are some minor issues. Dads enjoy every second no matter what, generally. And they give kudos to each other. I keep asking Jason where the wives are, and today it dawned on me. As I sit her on the beach enjoying naptime, I see a lot of the women! When the men are out, a lot of the women are taking advantage and shopping or...napping! :). It's good time for dads to be one on one with the kiddos. It reminds me of these daddy clubs, men just bond over being a dad. Women should take a hint and follow suit in fellowship! Rather than survival of the fittest alone, lets go it together. So what if your son is a screamer, so what if your daughter throws everything off the table, mine does it too. Might as well make a big fun scene together. Who cares. It's vacation. We should all have fun and leave all of the worries behind.