The fade away

I don't know where to begin this blog post but I feel the need to write one.  My husband laughed when I told him I was writing this blog.  Not because he didn't think i could do it, but because he knew i wouldn't stick with it.  Being a mom of four, there really is one thing that turns out to be my only priority and that is the children.  I remember watching my mom as I was growing older.  I thought I was smarter than she was.  I didn't respect her mind and I definitely didn't appreciate her sacrifice as a stay at home parent.  She never had her own thing.  Never did anything for herself and I remember being sad for her about that.  I thought she seemed lonely.  It bothered me so much that i vowed to make sure I did things differently.  But isn't that how we all view the lifestyle choices of our parents?  I remember even saying I only wanted two children, but here I am with double that amount!  As a mom, and especially a stay at home mom, it becomes quite easy to just sacrifice yourself away.  Little pieces of you just seem to dull in the days you stay home, so that the little spirits of your children grow brighter.  Any mother would tell you that the joy of seeing the healthy growth of your children is the blessing of a lifetime.  However, it's been 10 years since I have worked outside the home, and I notice a difference.  Your not really respected in the working community.  Oh they give you the big, "I could never do what you do" speech and they say that your work is so very much harder.  But when it comes to true conversation, there's a silence thrown in your direction that becomes quite normal.  That silence starts with your husbands friends, moves into your aquaintances, and then eventually can even find its way into your marriage.  The silence is like a thief, stealing your individualism and your voice.  You become invisible and your performance as mom moves to the forefront.  Most days I remember that this is a stage and I think that it will change when I go back to work.  But it still doesn't make it ok.  And the worst part about it...who do I have to blame for it but myself?  Do I watch the news?  Do I keep up to date on current politics?  No.  Do I even try to keep my mind quick by studying things for fun?  No.  So what else do I have to talk about beside my children and our day?  When I have free time I want me time.  I want to run until my feet grow weary while blaring music in my ears.  I don't think.  I go and I do.  I run errands and grocery shop.  On a really great day I get to play tennis.  But everyone has to be at school, or with a sitter, plans have to be made.  And those plans have been few and far between since covid 19 has hit us.  And then when you do make plans, the mom guilt almost doesn't make it worth it. 
It is so hard to not feel envious of working moms and even my husband.  I feel like that mom guilt, just isn't as prevelant after you have been working a while.  My husband definitely doesn't feel it. 
Here I am, making the same choices as my mother did and I can feel parts of myself fading.  It's easy to keep sacrificing because you're used to it and that is what you're supposed to do.  I don't work.  I don't contribute financially and that seems like a huge factor on the sacrifice measuring stick.  Then why don't you just go back to work you might ask?  Two reasons.  One, I feel very called to stay home with my children.  I feel like this is what God wants me to do and I have to do it.  My moments with them are so short in their lifetime that I selfishly want all of them, as many as I can get.  I want to be there and not miss a single thing.  Two, I'm totally scared.  They are all going to be at school and I'm considering a part time something.  But what if I am not the same person as i was ten years ago.  What if I'm dumb and cant remember anything because I've just been changing diapers this whole time?  What if I forget important things and can't cut it?  And what if I have to do the work thing and all the mom things at home?  Like the cleaning, the laundry for four people is constant, the homework, the sports stuff, the PTA?  How could we do summer swim team?  How can i do it all?  I just cant.  And then wont I just be sacrificing myself again, but this time not being able to run or play tennis and stay healthy?  What a quandry.  I thank you for listening to my worries and thoughts tonight.  Sometimes writing is better than thinking...

 
   

Normal

Well, it's Monday.  The days float by as though they are attached to a magic balloon.  They are heavy at first, weighted down by the expectations of the day, slow to move.  Then suddenly, they lightly lift and start to move quickly into the sky.  Before you realize it, its lunchtime and the morning has sped by.  We are in a groove now.  We are on a schedule.  Although things are not executed with much perfection, they are getting checked off the to-do list.  We are used to the new normal so much that the old normal feels weird to us.  Going to the store feels wrong, standing close to people feels awkward, and the crave for the old ways are fleeting.  There are some things I miss terribly.  I just started to love playing tennis.  I would work happily knowing that tennis day was coming, that "me" time was on the horizon.  Tennis has been cancelled for the season.  No clinics.  No lessons.  No games.  I'm not sure I appreciated it as much as I should have.  That special time is not the same now.  There isn't much of a draw to have it, when all the joy that was in it is gone.  This week my me time was spent making family masks.  Now we can go out and keep the germs at bay. 

So, as you can see from this post, today is more muted for me.  I am struggling a bit with all of it.  I miss being able to just wake up and take my kids to the zoo.  That weekend activity was normal once.  Now, we watch zoo tours online.  The twins missed their kindergarten orientation.  We had an online presentation instead.  Prek graduation is cancelled and the graduation pictures are still up in the air.  It just isn't the same.  Sometimes, when I think about all of it summed up together, it all feels quite heavy.  It feels like my relationships are being taking away.  It feels like an assault on our every day living.  How have we gotten to the point of hoarding food or creating pantry stockpiles?  How are birthday parties celebrating by waving as we drive by a friends house?  How can a trip to the neighborhood playground be dangerous?

Years from now we will know how this all came about.  Did the virus originate in China in a lab as they thought?  Was it intentional?  Did someone mean to hurt millions of people by creating a virus that would alter the essential fabrics of our society?  Hopefully we will learn from all of it.  We will never forget it.

The New Homeschool Life

I still can't believe this is happening.  Each day I wake up in some sort of denial that this really isn't our life now, that its some sort of dream set in a science fiction novel.  It feels like we have become a self sustaining sort of commune; we teach, we cook, we work at home, we are the only influences in the kids lives that are not on a screen.  We are in control if we stay in these walls.  The truth is that I like that.  I like being able to say when we start our day, where we can go, what we do.  I like being home on the weekends, for the most part.  I feel calmer, less anxious, more aware of a bigger picture.  Now, there are those OMG moments when I need to find a quiet space before I totally lost my mind.  Seriously, those are happening!  I like the facade of being in control.  How in the world is that possible during a pandemic, to feel like your controlling the situation?!  It seems like it would be the opposite, doesn't it?
This week we began blended learning, which is a city wide online learning program designed to fit each grade level.  We had parent meetings Monday and school began Tuesday.  Tuesday was crazy.  Wednesday was better.  By Thursday, we had it down.  Our teachers have been amazing.  They are so supportive and their love of their profession has shimmered in the midst of all of the chaos.  We have zoom class to understand the lesson, zoom calls to read, emails to print, teacher hours for questions. 

Each of our children are adjusting differently.  Caleb loves blended learning.  He's self sufficient, excited to hear lessons from other teachers, and tries his best with each assignment.  Caleb was waking up and doing his reading assignment first thing.  He's still talking with friends online and he seems great with that.  He loves being at home and being with family.  What strikes me most about him is how grown up he is, how his times of needing me are occurring less and less.  He just gets school most of the time.  Kinleigh struggled more.  She's adjusting to lessons on the computer, finding it hard to pay attention at first.  She misses her friends fiercely, and her activities too.  We have highs and lows together.  The lows always involve tears but she is growing through them.  I'm able to spend more time with her and have realized where she has been struggling.  She definitely struggles with school and I'm not quite sure how to help her.  I do know that forcing her to work hard and stay consistent will matter.  I'm hopeful it will change her abilities for the better.  Judah has an ease in learning.  He likes it, he'd rather be with me and Jacob then in a classroom.  He retains information and is eager to please me.  Jacob wants to be different.  It's harder for him to sit still and he'd rather be active.  He looks up to Judah and gets frustrated when he doesn't answer as quick.  He reverses letters more.  I think he is always so preoccupied with Judah that he loses concentration and then gets frustrated.  So juggling all of these kids in an at home learning environment can make you feel like a rock star or a bum.  It's never middle of the road mediocre.  You're either fantasticly smooth or a devestating failure. 
We are working through this new normal.  It's been a month and I really can't believe it.  We stopped thinking about when we will be back to normal and we concentrate on today.  We have bible lessons and announcements right after breakfast.  Then we move on to chores and starting our day.  Then we do school work until its complete.  Kinleigh and Caleb do their lessons in their rooms.  Caleb on his school computer and Kinleigh on our home laptop.  While they watch videos, I do circle time with the twins.  We go over weather, seasons, days of the week, counting, writing, and letter sounds.  Whatever we can fit in, we do.  They have online aps they do and we read some scholastic books and watch videos about them.  We will even do a craft to tie it all in.  Caleb's last zoom call is at 2, and Kinleigh and I have been reading during that time. 
This new homeschool life is crazy busy and I find myself still in my pajamas at noon.  You run from one requirement to the other and wait for just a moment to take a breath.  But then there are sweet moments that are slow and a blessing.  They open my eyes to the bigger picture of all of this for our family.  Being together, with no place to be, will never happen like this again.  The uniqueness of that time does not escape me.

I'm staying home because they told me to...

This weekend our governor ordered us to stay at home.  There was a press conference and some graph charts, and the most amazing sign language interpreter I have ever seen.  In one week our coronavirus numbers grew substantially.  Cell phone data shows the individual locations of cell phone users.  Yes, they are tracking you just like those detective shows said they would.  Regardless, the results showed people weren't listening.  people are gathering and causing the virus to spread.  For our family, we have been listening.  However, it was a bit of a wake-up call as we realized not everyone really was.  It's hard not to go anywhere, not to see friends.  I totally get that, trust me!  As we read up on the virus and its symptoms, we couldn't help but feel a little scared.  You cough constantly, you have fever, you feel horrible.  People are going to the hospital and having to be alone.  We need each other, we love each other, we don't want to be apart.  So, we changed our direction a bit and decided to close up our open door policy.  This weekend we kept to ourselves and enjoyed our time with just our immediate family.  We've stopped playing with friends and neighbors in an effort to protect ourselves and them.  So far, we've survived and its been better than we thought.   Its been nice to see the kids interacting together.  They really do love each other.  Sometimes we forget that in the arguments and fits.  They are such a blessing to watch. 

I just used instacart and ordered the weeks groceries.  I'm not sure if Jason is grateful or if he liked getting out of the house, but his services are no longer required!  Hopefully its the right decision.  Less exposure to the outside seems safer.  However, it is one more person I don't know touching my food.  So I brought the groceries in and wiped every single item down with a clorox wipe.  Really, this is what we are doing now.  And that might be the single best reason to not order alot of groceries.  Who wants to do that every time, with every single thing?  It makes you think who has touched this banana?  How many hands have touched this banana?!  The guy who picked it, the guy who put it in the big delivery truck, the guy who dropped it off at publix, the clerk that put it in the produce section, and my instacart delivery person.  That's at least 5 people...and I'm sure someone might have picked them up and maybe put them back?  And don't they sometimes rearrange the produce, that's one more person.  Did they all wash their hands?  Every time they touched their face or something else?  Definitely a no.  Did I really do a good job wiping these things down?  How can there not be one germ on them?!  And that's just for my banana!  I bought over $200 in groceries!  Definitely shouldn't have bought the brussel sprouts, no protection from outside sources.  It's a rabbit hole that goes pretty far when you have time to think while wiping down all the things.  We are definitely living on a prayer and God's protection.

So we have crazy moments in the brain that make you have to take a break and go outside.  Heidi knew about the fresh air in the alps and we definitely know about it in the cove.  It heals you.  The fresh air is good for the soul.  We've had some amazing family walks that clear that crazy right out of the head so that you can refocus on what's important.  These moments together.  These little people.  This wonderful husband.  I have no doubt in my mind that God is using this to strengthen the family unit.  And when I think about that as my purpose, it makes me a little more conscious of the crazy and the fighting and the fear.  And it makes me desire memorable moments together.  It makes me desire to be closer to my children, to strengthen our ties together.  Here are some awesome moments captured from our weekend.

Choices

This is a different time in history.  Everyone will tell you that it is something we have never experienced before.  We are in a foreign land, an unchartered territory.  If you choose, its hard not to see beyond the unrest, the selfishness, the fear.  But every coin has two sides, doesn't it.  The other side of this scenario is a community uniting; it's people delivering groceries to the homebound, its school systems shuttling food to impoverished communities, its teachers driving by your house just to wave.  The pandemic is changing the structure of businesses, many having to frantically deliver to houses or create online sites to purchase their product.  People are reaching out to support one another, but we still have to find a way to stand 6 feet apart.  We meet in parking lots to have coffee, while sitting in the trucks of our cars at a safe distance.  We Facetime, we Zoom, we even have created ways for our children to chat safely online with friends.

Each family has to make hard choices.  Will you go to work?  Will you work from home?  How will you homeschool?  Who gets to leave the house?  Who grocery shops?  Do your kids get to play with friends?  Who is safe?  Where is safe?  Are we safe?

For the Lucas family, we have decided to all stay at home.  We work here, we learn here, we just stay here.  Since Jason has had the most contact with the outside world, he also grocery shops, runs errands.  He is our outdoor face.  For me, it's created this weird sense of unrest.  I feel so grateful every time he walks in with a load of groceries.  We play the game, what did you find at the store this week?  We try and get the essentials, we don't hoard things we don't need.  We want everyone to have enough and what they need.  That's another choice.  I have learned quickly how much of an extrovert I am, how much I desire time with others.  How much I miss the simple things, like walking into preschool drop-off, sitting at the ball field, running into my favorite boutique, or just going to lunch with a friend.  I miss talking to people, connecting with people without a screen between us.  I feel lonely quite a bit.

We've chosen to let the kids play with our neighbors.  Their guidelines are similar to ours and that makes it feel safe.  But that can change when things change.  When someone in our neighborhood or social circle gets tested, our at home situation will become more narrow and even more closed off.  I question that decision alot.  Are we safe?  Are we making the right choice?  I just don't know.  I can only hope that we are.  We are trying to be reasonable and balanced.  We are trying to not scare the children, to maintain some sort of normalcy.  But no matter what, this does not feel normal.

I will close with this for today.  This experience, this pandemic, the culmination of all these decisions and their impact on our family has been generally positive.  Jason working from home has created a different priority, he feels less preoccupied and more happy.  The kids say I love you more, appreciate the family more.  Teaching them is hard.  It's hard to juggle each of them and feel like you've accomplished a lesson.  But they notice that you care, that they are the priority instead of being late to practice or that they clipped down in class.  God uses all things for good.  I chose to remember this pandemic as the time our family grew together, as the time our family needed to disconnect.  We choose to be the priority, we choose love over fear.

The blog to begin all blogs...

There's is nothing like an international pandemic to make you reevaluate things. Coronavirus, it didnt seem so bad at first.  we'll take some time at home, organize the sock drawer, get caught up on life.  But weeks have turned into what seems like decades, and the pull to reorganize and get ahead has just floated away.  I had this bright idea.  hey...this is a historical event.  shouldn't i be recording this?  in the very least, it would be great if the kids could look back on this with a real life account that will directly correspond with their history books.  We should remember this as something more than just what we have to get through and survive.  This is happening for a reason.  And maybe knowing that something will be written down will motivate us all to stay the course.  Then the thought, didn't i have a blog at some point?

So here I sit, ready to start a blogging adventure and resurrect this humble blog I started years ago.  I have a love for writing.  I always have.  I've loved poetry and reading.  I have always journaled.  Maybe this blog is a new beginning of something great.  Or maybe it's just the beginning of a fancy new age type of journalling.  Regardless, I'm happy to have a direction and a way for generations to understand the life of this regular middle class suburban family in the midst of a national emergency.

So let's buckle up together.  I will commit now that my writing will be consistent, maybe not timely.

The Great Divide

Now, to normal people the great divide refers to a set of mountain ranges that divide our beautiful country's watersheds.  But to us, it defines life with a sick toddler.  What do you do with newborn twins when the older kids are sick?  Why you seperate them of course.  So simple.  Such a logical solution.  Not as easy peasy as you hope.  On the weekends we tag teamed it.  Jason took the twins, me the toddlers.  Seperate rooms with a gate in the middle.  Kinleigh is quick, and will sneak in a slobber as soon as your back is turned.  So the gate was essential to our mission!  It worked, so far, until today.  It was the moment of reckoning when my better half returned to work.  Separating four kids with two arms is quite the endeavor and they challenged my very core.  I should have started the day with a power smoothie and prayer.  But I opted for coffee.   Rookie mistake number one!  I did dishes, cleaned the kitchen.  I opted for a pajama day to get some housework completed...rookie mistake number two.  The morning was a whirlwind, and before I knew it, it was 11.   It was the first spare moment I had to catch up with Kinleigh, my lead troublemaker.  She still had on a pull-up and that meant no using the potty all morning.  And you can guess what I found.  

Kinleigh has been in rebellion the past couple of weeks.  She's on strike.  And it isn't a sit-in, it's an I won't sit type of situation.  She is refusing to use the potty.  She leaves us sweet little surprises all the time.  And it always seems to be when I'm tied to the couch breastfeeding the boys.  Caleb was telling me about it, but I think he's given up hope she'll ever use it again.  My precious four year old doesn't tell me much anymore.  So after lunch she runs to go to the potty and doesn't make it.  Doesn't make it...kind of sounds like there is a will to make it doesn't it?  This girl is a fierce fighter, she's still on strike.  I find her cleaning up in the bathroom at the exact time the twins are due for their next meal.  It's everywhere.  It's even on her nose.  So as the twins scream in hunger I'm giving my precious baby girl a bath.  Caleb is quiet.  As she soaks, I check on him...in fear that something else will be wrong.  Instead I find that he's tucked himself into bed, and even turned his music on.  "Mommy, are you proud of me?  Am I making you happy?"  As I cried because of his sweetness and graciousness, it gave me strength.  

I know these moments are fleeting.  I know that one day I will look back on them and we will see them as some of the best days of our lives.  We'll laugh at the obscene amount of poop we had to clean up.  We'll remember the Great Divide as an impossible mission, but we will have made it through...together.