Saturday, December 20, 2014

It's just a phase

As I sit here and stare at the blue glow of the phototherapy beds, I can see both boys facing me.  I sit here as they sleep, not all the time, but when it seems unbearable to them.  As I look at their sweet helpless faces, I'm trying to remind myself how temporary this is.  I don't like it, to put it nicely.  I want to hold my sweet babies whenever I want to...not just when I'm nursing.  I'm being a total brat about it, and I shouldn't be.  And on top of it, my mind wanders to everything and anything else that could go wrong.  

 I've feared allot over the past two years of my life.  I've been scared we wouldn't have any more children.  I've been devastated when we lost a baby to miscarriage.  And even in the pure joy of discovering that we were pregnant with twins, I feared that my body just would not sustain them.  That I would lose one of them or both of them, or that they would be born too early.  Yet, 40 weeks later here I sit,  staring at these beautiful boys, and I'm still fearful.  Hasn't God showed me how faithful he is?  Hasn't he showed me over and over again how much he loves me?  Yet I worry.  I worry about the temporary. Some things I want to hold on to for as long as I can. 

  I don't think I truly understood Gods love for me until I had children.  It's pure, it's deep, and it's immediate.  It isn't a result of any action.  It's an overpowering feeling that just is because those children are yours.  God loves me more than I could fathom, much more than I love my children.  So why doubt?  Why fear?  I've learned through everything that it's best to give everything over to God.  He is good.  He is in control.  He loves his children.  And if all that I know and feel is true I have no reasons to worry or fear.  Instead I can stand boldly in faith with my Savior and Father in Heaven.  

Tomorrow we will take another blood test and we'll learn if this phase will come to an end.  

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

My Angel

When I close my eyes I can picture her.  I don't know why I think of the baby as a her, but I just do.  She has long black hair. And it's blowing silently in the wind.  Half of it is pulled back with a simple band.  The sun is shining, the grass is ever so green.  She's running her hand through the brightest most Yellow Sea of daffodils.  I see her from behind and she has the most beautiful cotton dress on.  She's skipping and laughing.  I can hear her sweet musical voice, filled with so much joy.  It makes my heart just ache to see her.  But I love to see her.  Next to her there is a man, and she's holding his hand.  He is wearing a creme linen robe and pants with a golden rope around his waist.  He has sandled feet, that are so quiet.  I can only hear her sweet laughter.  His hair is brown and long, and flows right below his shoulders.  My sweet angel looks up at him, I can't see her face but I can hear her sweet giggle.  He's walking with her, watching her, laughing with her, holding her hand in hand.  As they walk away he looks over his shoulder at me.  I see his smile and I can feel a warmth in my heart.  His eyes look at me as if he understands that I miss her, yet I know she is where she should be.  The light around them slowly engulf them as they walk, and my sweet angel disappears.  

I needed to write this down somewhere so that I would always remember it.  Although I don't think it will ever leave my memory, just in case, I don't want to lose that image of my daughter.  I think about it when I miss her.  I think about it before I sleep.  I especially think about it when I'm in my Fathers house, and I'm singing about his love for all of us.  She is dancing in heaven with our Saviour.  He is taking such good care of her.  She doesn't feel pain or sickness.  She doesn't feel heartache.  I do, I'm glad she doesn't.  I will meet her one day.  I will hold her in my arms and kiss her beautiful sweet face.  I will laugh with her and run through that same sea of daffodils.  And my Father will be there to bring us together.  I will hug him and kiss his sweet face.  I will thank Him.  I will thank Him for my life and for saving her.