I don't know where to begin this blog post but I feel the need to write one. My husband laughed when I told him I was writing this blog. Not because he didn't think i could do it, but because he knew i wouldn't stick with it. Being a mom of four, there really is one thing that turns out to be my only priority and that is the children. I remember watching my mom as I was growing older. I thought I was smarter than she was. I didn't respect her mind and I definitely didn't appreciate her sacrifice as a stay at home parent. She never had her own thing. Never did anything for herself and I remember being sad for her about that. I thought she seemed lonely. It bothered me so much that i vowed to make sure I did things differently. But isn't that how we all view the lifestyle choices of our parents? I remember even saying I only wanted two children, but here I am with double that amount! As a mom, and especially a stay at home mom, it becomes quite easy to just sacrifice yourself away. Little pieces of you just seem to dull in the days you stay home, so that the little spirits of your children grow brighter. Any mother would tell you that the joy of seeing the healthy growth of your children is the blessing of a lifetime. However, it's been 10 years since I have worked outside the home, and I notice a difference. Your not really respected in the working community. Oh they give you the big, "I could never do what you do" speech and they say that your work is so very much harder. But when it comes to true conversation, there's a silence thrown in your direction that becomes quite normal. That silence starts with your husbands friends, moves into your aquaintances, and then eventually can even find its way into your marriage. The silence is like a thief, stealing your individualism and your voice. You become invisible and your performance as mom moves to the forefront. Most days I remember that this is a stage and I think that it will change when I go back to work. But it still doesn't make it ok. And the worst part about it...who do I have to blame for it but myself? Do I watch the news? Do I keep up to date on current politics? No. Do I even try to keep my mind quick by studying things for fun? No. So what else do I have to talk about beside my children and our day? When I have free time I want me time. I want to run until my feet grow weary while blaring music in my ears. I don't think. I go and I do. I run errands and grocery shop. On a really great day I get to play tennis. But everyone has to be at school, or with a sitter, plans have to be made. And those plans have been few and far between since covid 19 has hit us. And then when you do make plans, the mom guilt almost doesn't make it worth it.
It is so hard to not feel envious of working moms and even my husband. I feel like that mom guilt, just isn't as prevelant after you have been working a while. My husband definitely doesn't feel it.
Here I am, making the same choices as my mother did and I can feel parts of myself fading. It's easy to keep sacrificing because you're used to it and that is what you're supposed to do. I don't work. I don't contribute financially and that seems like a huge factor on the sacrifice measuring stick. Then why don't you just go back to work you might ask? Two reasons. One, I feel very called to stay home with my children. I feel like this is what God wants me to do and I have to do it. My moments with them are so short in their lifetime that I selfishly want all of them, as many as I can get. I want to be there and not miss a single thing. Two, I'm totally scared. They are all going to be at school and I'm considering a part time something. But what if I am not the same person as i was ten years ago. What if I'm dumb and cant remember anything because I've just been changing diapers this whole time? What if I forget important things and can't cut it? And what if I have to do the work thing and all the mom things at home? Like the cleaning, the laundry for four people is constant, the homework, the sports stuff, the PTA? How could we do summer swim team? How can i do it all? I just cant. And then wont I just be sacrificing myself again, but this time not being able to run or play tennis and stay healthy? What a quandry. I thank you for listening to my worries and thoughts tonight. Sometimes writing is better than thinking...
