As I sit here and stare at the blue glow of the phototherapy beds, I can see both boys facing me. I sit here as they sleep, not all the time, but when it seems unbearable to them. As I look at their sweet helpless faces, I'm trying to remind myself how temporary this is. I don't like it, to put it nicely. I want to hold my sweet babies whenever I want to...not just when I'm nursing. I'm being a total brat about it, and I shouldn't be. And on top of it, my mind wanders to everything and anything else that could go wrong.
I've feared allot over the past two years of my life. I've been scared we wouldn't have any more children. I've been devastated when we lost a baby to miscarriage. And even in the pure joy of discovering that we were pregnant with twins, I feared that my body just would not sustain them. That I would lose one of them or both of them, or that they would be born too early. Yet, 40 weeks later here I sit, staring at these beautiful boys, and I'm still fearful. Hasn't God showed me how faithful he is? Hasn't he showed me over and over again how much he loves me? Yet I worry. I worry about the temporary. Some things I want to hold on to for as long as I can.
I don't think I truly understood Gods love for me until I had children. It's pure, it's deep, and it's immediate. It isn't a result of any action. It's an overpowering feeling that just is because those children are yours. God loves me more than I could fathom, much more than I love my children. So why doubt? Why fear? I've learned through everything that it's best to give everything over to God. He is good. He is in control. He loves his children. And if all that I know and feel is true I have no reasons to worry or fear. Instead I can stand boldly in faith with my Savior and Father in Heaven.
Tomorrow we will take another blood test and we'll learn if this phase will come to an end.