Thursday, November 8, 2012

The heavy heart

I'm sitting in a small Italian cafe, millions of miles away from my children. I just got pictures of them sent to me, and the smiles on their faces fill my heart with an unexplainable joy. I came on this trip to spend some time with Jason, to have some fun with my husband. One thing has become blaringly clear to me. My life is so different than it was three years ago. I never imagined how much being a mom would affect my life, my personality, and my soul. It's changed me. I feel like I've always been a dreamer of sorts, I've run for political office, loved poetry, and have always enjoyed losing myself in a good book. Somewhere along the way, I made a totally unconscious decision to try not to care so much about everything. I feel so much love for my children that the thought of our world changing in a bad way, leaves me just gutted and empty and aching. I stopped listening to the news, stopped talking politics, and I even almost stopped voting. It had become easier to just block those things out of my life, than to face them and open my heart to so much hurt. I've always cared so much about everything. Two days ago the Republican Party failed at a second attempt to win the White House. In my heart I predicted that this would happen. I should feel consoled and at ease that this is part of Gods plan, because I know he is in control of everything. But that is easier said than done, because these changes are drastic and what I feel to be devastating for our country. I realized this trip, that by trying to protect myself I've actually done the opposite. I've taken away my passion for my values and I have somewhere lost even the ability to have an adult conversation about anything that truly matters.
Life is so hard, and I don't even have it hard...I'm so very blessed in every aspect of my life. Love and happiness also can bring pain, and maybe I just need to stop trying to protect everyone from hurt. Maybe I just need to let go and love...and not think about mistakes.
To top it all off, I feel this stirring inside me. Like I am on the brink of making life changing choices, and I am so afraid that I might regret my choice or make the wrong one. I pray for guidance, but sometimes I don't want to pray for fear that his answer is not the one I want to hear. My life is so wonderful. I love the children at this age. I look back on these last three years and know I will remember them as some of the best years of my life. I don't want them to end. My heart feels so heavy just thinking about the kids growing up. Why? Deep down I don't want to lose them. I don't want them to leave me, I don't want them to grow away from me. I can still feel them kicking me in my belly, I can still see their very first smile, their very first steps, and I love them so much. I never knew being a mom and loving someone so much could be so very hard. And they aren't even three yet...

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